Thank You just isn't enough....

Have you ever experienced that feeling when you've been given a gift too great that words hardly do it justice? You try to think of ways to express your gratitude yet nothing seems to come close to how blessed you feel inside. Well, if you haven't had that feeling yet- I hope that one day you do- it's a good feeling to have. Tonight I was able to experience it for myself as my church family gathered together for a Silent Auction to benefit my mother. I walked around the room admiring all the items people had donated toward this cause. People from both the Kenosha and Racine church's came together and donated their gifts- everything from homemade blankets, gift baskets, pie, pictures, and even plant holders! I tried to stand back and watch as people laughed and mingled as they raised money for such a worthy cause. A group of 5 or 6 elderly men had made a circle of chairs in front of me and I watched as they sat chatting about their wives and other things of the day. It made my heart smile knowing such love and out pouring came from such a thing. I will never be able to say thank you enough to those people that planned this event- as well as those who came and were part of the bidding for the evening. It was a truly a blessed evening.....raising over $1,000!

On Monday my mother approaches new territory in the cancer fight. She will be starting a new regimen of chemo. drugs as well as embarking on a clinical trial. She will be testing a new drug which will be administered along with her Chemo. If, however, she finds that the side effects to this new drug in the clinical trial are too much for her to handle she may leave the trial at anytime. This new Chemo. and trial drug will be administered in Kelowna which is about 2 hours away from their home which makes for a VERY long day of travel. My mother said she may be staying there in Kelowna when the snow comes so she won't have to travel so much. After Monday I'm sure we'll be given more news as to how the treatment went and how her body is reacting to the influx of all the new medication. But through it all I know my mother- she will put on a brave face and smile through it all!

Tonight was a true blessing- being surrounded by people who have such care and concern for others that they set aside there busy lives to come. The only thing I wish that was different about tonight was that I wish my mother could have been there. If nothing else- to see the love- yet I know she feels the love by the many cards and calls she has received and continues to receive.

I miss her dearly since I've returned home from visiting her. I miss having afternoon tea with her and sitting by the wood burning stove as it snowed outside leaving a fresh white coat on the mountains. She seems so far away sometimes- so far out of my reach...I want so badly to reach out and give her a hug and to nurse her back to health after her chemo leaves her tired and sleeping on the couch. I miss her very much especially on nights like tonight.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118:1

Three Women....

I sat and watched the three women as they talked and joked about the possibility of having a crew cut by Christmas. You would think they were just ordinary women chatting away yet their topic of discussion was about the cancer they each were facing. Inside the door labeled "Chemo Treatment" sat three chairs and three bubbly women; one of them my mother. Each woman had a story and when one woman was finished with her treatment another woman seemed to come in as if on que to fill the empty seat. I watched as one woman excitedly plopped into the seat next to my mother exclaiming, "This is my last treatment ladies!" The women talked and left almost no room for silence in the room as the chemo was being delivered. I watched as my mother was receiving her own 'cocktail' of drugs as she leafed through a magazine. It seemed surreal to me- that I was actually there to see my mother receive this poison that was going to make her better. I couldn't help but take pictures to document EVERYTHING. I felt so honored to be a part of these woman's group and yet I was such an outsider. I listened as they talked about mouth sores, brittle nails, and the hope of their hair coming back. It was then I realized that I was not part of their group, even though they welcomed me in. I didn't have cancer and I don't know what it's like- I was an outsider.

Although I didn't belong- I chimed in when I could relate to anything that they spoke of. After some time my mother had finished her first I.V. drip of a clear drug Cyclophosphamide. This was given through her port-a-cath along with some saline solution. Then the nurse opened a box labeled with an orange tag: Chemotherapy inside was a bag that had a bright yellow label on it reading Chemotherapy Drug. Inside this bad was the rest of my mother's treatment- two large syringes filled with what looked like fruit punch. Upon closer examination the syringe read- Doxorubicin. This red liquid was attached to my mother's I.V. line and I watched as the nurse administered this second drug. The clear liquid quickly changed to red and suddenly disappeared as it entered her body. I glanced at my mother's face and waited for her face to change but she remained calm and unchanged through it all.

After the chemo. my mother asked if I wanted to go out around town- I thought to myself, "Does anything slow this woman down?!" It was cold and rainy/snowy so I thought it better to get her home and stay warm and dry inside the house. I made her some lunch and we ate and she rested on the couch. Not too long ago I saw her face grimace and I asked her if she was feeling okay. "Oh, just a little nauseas." And on she went about her day.

I feel so very blessed to be here with my parents. To be able to experience chemo. with my mother- to just be near her and give her hugs- countless hugs.

I am so very proud of my mother.

Making memories....

'Surprise!' my father and Charity (my sister in law) said as I walked down the hallway and made myself visible to my mother who sat in the living room. She looked bewildered and confused yet excited all at the same time. She didn't know that I was coming to visit her after all. It was planned out between my father, brother and sister in law. After a 12+ hour day of travel I was happy to find myself 'home' with my parents. My mother jumped off the couch and handed my niece Katie over to my father so she could give me a hug. Throughout the night my mother often said, "I can't believe you are here! And for two weeks!"

Since then I think the surprise has worn off and my parents have grown more accustomed to my presence in the house. It's been a joy to be able to help around the house- making food, cleaning etc. It's quiet here too....which is something I'm not used to having- especially with two little kids running around. Speaking of kids, it's been a challenge to be so far away from them during this time. They sound so little and far away on the phone yet I'm grateful to be able to speak to them every night.

As for my mother....

She is exactly how I remember her- just without hair and with a wrap on her head to keep her warm. She is active as usual and just got in from raking the fall leaves that had fallen along with the rain we had gotten last night and this morning. She does, however, need her rest in the afternoon- busy mornings lead to restful and quiet afternoons that usually end up in a nap. :) There's nothing about her that is different except for that label which is now a part of her- cancer. Don't get me wrong- cancer does not define my mother- it is only a mere part of her life- something she must live with.

I went outside this afternoon while my mother rested and my father studied. I walked all across their vast expanse of land while the clouds threatened to burst down with rain at any moment. I found nothing but silence outside as I followed paths in and out of the forest. And finally I made it to a clearing....there before me stood a large field that beckoned me to come and investigate. I walk in the field, camera in hand, and found a mountain in the distance covered in clouds and hardly visible. I thought to myself- this is very much like this cancer that has descended upon my family- there are times when the days a gray and cold. And yet- I know that not all days are like this....some are full of sunshine and warmth. If you keep looking at the mountain from a distance you will likely see a subtle outline and dark clouds but if you venture closer those clouds that seemed at once so dark will be barely visible- leaving you with a beautiful view of the mountain.

May our eyes be fixed on the author and perfecter of our faith- Jesus Christ our Lord.

This is cancer....

I always thought that I would be the reason my mother would lose her hair. From my rebellious teenage years and my tendencies to be overdramatic; I thought I would be the cause for such a thing. But no- it wasn't me. It has finally started to happen. They said it would around this time- week 3 or so after the first chemo treatment. Still I think one is never really ready to understand how to prepare for losing their hair. Her hair was coming out and she was starting to see bald spots so rather than watch it fall out and go down the drain in the shower every morning she decided to shave it.











With her wrap on

She sent the pictures yesterday. I had NO idea that she had shaved her head. I knew it was going to happen but still I took a deep breath as I scrolled down to view the pictures. First was picture of her with her head wrap- how cute she looks!!! ;) That was followed by two pictures of her with her hair- and some spots that were balding or thinning. And the next pictures were of her trying on her wig- it's amazing how similar it is to her real hair!!! It shocked me. And last of all were the two pictures of her bald. I'm happy she sent them- really I am- I think it helps me deal with the reality of the situation- especially since I'm so far away and can't see her in person. I must admit that I teared up a bit when I saw those pictures- now she looks like someone with cancer. Before she could go about her day or at least I could go about my day knowing she had it but there's just something about seeing her without her hair that took a bit to accept. I know it will grow back- and in fact- they say that hair after chemo is usually better than when you started! My mother said she felt okay with losing her hair- "I knew it was going to happen and I'm okay with that," She stated on Skype last night.








With her wig

Hair or no hair- I love my mother the same- she looks beautiful regardless! After all it's not about outside beauty- my mother is the most beautiful person I know- both on the outside but especially on the inside.....





No hair




On Wednesday of this week she goes to get her blood drawn to see if her levels are back up and good enough to administer another round of chemo on Thursday. My mother said she's feeling really well. My sister and her family had a great time visiting with her and cooking for her. What a blessing that my sister was able to visit- I know that it was a blessing not only to my mother but to my sister as well!

I've been doing a devotional at night with my kids before bed. I shouldn't be but some how I am continually amazed with the verses that I find at the end. They seem to speak to me and where I am....that is where this verse came from.


Psalm 20:7

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."


* Permission was granted for the use of the pictures...

First Chemo Treatment

"What do you think of my hair?" my mother asked to my father. "It looks like it always does." he replied not knowing why my mother was asking. "Good, this is the one then." she said as she removed the wig. Yes- my mother has a wig now- must be a pretty good one if my father couldn't tell she was wearing one. ;) She got the wig in advance- knowing that the chemo will cause her to lose he hair. And then the first day of chemo came....

What a sense of relief I felt when I heard my mother tell me she had finished her first chemo treatment. I feel more at ease now that she's being treated- what and ordeal it is to go through test after test.

The first injection was of some red colored medicine. After that was finished she was put on an I.V. drip of the other medicine. All the while one nurse tended to the three women in the room- administering the chemo. The women all chatted- if nothing else they all had one thing in common- the all had cancer. They were offered juice and cookies during this time. My mother, as usual, made a day out of what others may view as a nightmare. She went lunch afterwards and then went home. She was tired after the day- and when she returned home she found herself needing some much needed rest which prompted a nap. She had taken her anti-nausea medicine in advance of the chemo to help ward off those side affects. I had checked my father's blog and read that my mother is not sleeping well at night- getting up many times in the middle of the night. Other side effects seem to be minimal in the grand scheme of things- diminished appetite and feeling flushed at times. All in all- we have passed the first chemo treatment....

On this Friday- the port-a-cath is going to be inserted. This should make for an easier time in getting the chemo done in the future.

The Calendar-

- this Friday Sept. 4th the port-a-cath will be inserted

- this Thursday Sept. 3rd my sister Jennifer and her family are visiting for a week

- Sept. 16th my mother goes to get her blood count checked- if all is good

- Sept. 17th is the next chemo treatment

Things to keep in prayer about-

- pray for my mother as she goes through the chemo and the side effects

- pray for my father as he tends to my mother in her time of need

- pray for my sister and her family as they travel from NE to visit my parents

- pray for the port-a-cath to be inserted quickly and without complication

- pray for the forest fire that continues to rage on and grow.

- pray for those whose homes are threatened

- pray for those that are fighting the fire- for their safety

Sorry for being so short today....I find myself choosing to write this in the midst of watching 5 kids- makes for many breaks while typing.

Proverbs 15:30

"A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones."

When it rains- it pours.....

As a child I was terrified of storms. The amount of power and strength they hold were something that gave me great fear. But as I got older I found that not all rain turns into a storm. I remember being 16 sitting outside at night watching as lightening and thunder approached our house. I sat there outside on the pavement in the dark with my dad and brother. My mother called from the window telling us to get inside. And yet I was in great awe of this monster as it approached. We stayed outside- even while the rain fell. What a great source of relief a good rain is. Even to this day I enjoy going outside while the rain falls all around me; I found it to be a time of peace for me. Most people are quickly scurrying inside to avoid the rain, which seems like common sense, but for those people who want to truly enjoy a moment of peace- there's nothing like standing outside as the rain pours.

This thought occurred to me today after I spoke with my mother on the phone. It amazes me how people grow and change- and sometimes during that change- you feel like it's pouring rain!!!

She called me sounding so very calm and happy. I couldn't be happier that my mother was sounding so well. I also wondered what this call meant. In the past- calls were made to update on the cancer and about any news we were getting. But on a Sunday??? Well- it just seemed odd to me. She said, "I know I told you in the e-mail about the fire burning by our house and the evacuation notice we are on but I didn't tell you about something else that happened this morning. We went to the E.R." (Just a note- please keep my parents in prayer- as they now have a wildfire burning in their area- about a mile away- if the wind shifts it could make it up the mountain to there home that they just bought) I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. "But it wasn't me who was in the E.R.- it was dad" she went on to say. I joked as only our family knows how to do in such a time saying, "Does dad need attention? Is that why he went??" But no- it wasn't for the need of attention- as I know my father to be the sort of man who's LAST resort is going to the E.R. I saw the man stitch his own finger up as a child- so this must be pretty serious to go to the E.R. My mother informed me that she woke up to my father making strange groaning noises. He had labored breathing and said his heart was beating extremely fast. My mother questioned him on whether to call 911 or rush him to the E.R.- which is 30 mins. away! My father chose the E.R. and my mother said she made it in record time- I'm not sure how much time she shaved off but she got him there in under 30 minutes.

He was brought into the E.R. and immediately taken into a room to be evaluated. After many tests and some medicine given through an I.V. they ruled out a heart attack. This is the point where I was finally able to breathe a big sigh of relief. They said they didn't know what caused his heart to beat at 190 beats per minute and his blood pressure to drop so low...but that the medicine worked to bring everything back to normal and stabilize him. They sent them off with some medicine in case it happened again and he returned home tired and ready for a nap.

So when I thought on it- I thought- really???? I mean- Breast cancer was enough for me- but now a fire threatening their newly purchased home- and my father's, out of the blue, heart issue?! I was floored- I haven't had so much as a cold to complain about and here my parents are miles away and having to deal with new issues. These are things I wish to be a part of- I want to be there to watch my mother go through chemo- to help her when she feels ill, to clean up vomit if I have to and to just be there and watch over her. I want to be there to take my father to the E.R.- to sit by his side and hold his hand. I want so badly to be near them- not to just visit but to be there- I long to be there- I feel so removed and useless here- trapped.

When it rains- it pours- but out of that pouring rain come growth- the grass, flowers and trees grow. We NEED the rain....even the rain in our lives. It may be painful and not the route we would have choosen for our lives to go but it has a purpose. It causes us to grow- we can choose how we want to grow- grow angry- grow distant etc.... Or we can choose to grow in Christ- to let Him hold us up when we are weary, to dive into His Word and cling to all the promises He has written, and to cast all our worries on Him because He cares for us.

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

Bone Scan Results...

So- it seemed as if forever has passed since my last blog. It may only have been a week ago- but it seemed to be an eternity for me as I awaited the news of the bone scan, x-ray and blood work that had been done on my mother. All these tests were to see if they could tell if the cancer had spread anywhere else in her body. My mother had told me that she felt good all this week. I spoke with her on several occasions and she seemed confident in what the doctors were doing as far as her health was concerned.

The phone rang- and I saw her name pop up on the caller i.d. I quickly answered the phone- hoping to get to the bottom of the news. My lovely mother began telling me that she called me first this time because she knew I was going to be gone later that evening. While she's telling me all this- my mind was trying to analyze her voice. Is this a voice of a woman who just received bad news or good news??? I couldn't tell- she was so calm..... Then she said- "so the results came back and......"

That's the point where I paused and braced myself up against the counter and tried to swallow a lump that was quickly forming in my throat.

And as quickly as I felt the lump forming- it started to go away- "The scan came out good as did the blood work and x-ray." She stated. I was relieved to finally feel that we had come to an end in the search of how bad this cancer was. She then began to tell me all about the treatments that would be involved in fighting this cancer.

- 8 chemotherapy cycles- about 6 months followed by

- 14 cycles of Herceptin- about 9 months

That equals 15 months

but we aren't done yet....

-5 weeks of Radiation following the Herceptin- (this is 5 days a week for 5 weeks)

- Then a hormone treatment will start at this point.

- And for 5 years she will be on drugs to keep the cancer from coming back.

She also was offered a chance to participate in a research study for some new drug- but she still needs to read up on what that all means and to decide whether she wants to do that or not.

She will be losing her hair- eyelashes- and eyebrows due to the chemotherapy. She hopes to get a wig soon before that all starts happening. I joked with her on the phone about getting all sorts of fun colors and styles to play with. I told her that this was the time to try on different hair colors and styles- that way she can find out what she wants after her hair grows back!!! ;)

Sometime this week she will be going into the hospital to have a port-a-cath put in. Apparently my aunt (my mother's sister) who works as a nurse in Holland in oncology suggested she do it. For those of you who don't know- this will be inserted under the collar bone- and it is a means to getting the chemotherapy- this way they don't have to insert an I.V. every time the treatment is being done. My mother said, "This way I can save my veins."

For those of you who want the nitty gritty and all the medical terminology- continue to read the next section which details the drugs she will be put on....

-Doxorubicin and Cyclophosphamide (AC) for the first 4 cycles of chemo- these take 30 mins. each

- Docetaxel and Trastuzumab (DT) for the next 4 cycles of chemo- these take 3 hours each!

All is all- there is still a VERY long road to go....I know that we do not walk this path alone but that God is with us every step of the way. Sure this isn't an easy road- and that's from a daughter's stand point. I can't even imagine the pain and sickness my mother will be going through with all this treatment! But I can rest assure that God knows best! His good and perfect will- will be known soon enough!

Please continue in your prayers on behalf of my mother and my family. And thank you to all of you who have been so vigilant in praying for us.

I found this verse on my daughter's paper from VBS and I hung it up on the fridge- it is something I've been meditating on lately....

Psalm 86:5

"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you."

Where's the silver lining?

I suppose the best way to start this is with where I thought this was all going. I mean this was supposed to be a 'normal' case of breast cancer. I let myself believe in what everyone around me was saying- 'It's very treatable these days' and 'I'm sure they caught it early.' My dad said it best in his blog- he felt like he'd been gut punched. I can't describe the feeling- somewhat numb to the news and also a sense of just falling apart. I was strong enough to hear and accept the cancer and the surgery but not this. Somehow tonight's news had me in tears and falling to floor after I hung up the phone. I cannot bear to show my feelings to my mother- she's got enough on her plate than to be consoling me.

Well, I suppose this would be a good time to share the update. As they suspected the cancer is very aggressive. It is an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Fancy words for 'bad cancer'. They have put her at a stage 3- which for those of you who don't know- it means the cancer is pretty advanced. The dr. has put her as an urgent case. After looking as the breast that they removed they found 9 other areas in that breast that the cancer has spread to. Also more lymph nodes showed cancer. The dr. said that if they hadn't found her cancer it most likely would have become inflammatory breast cancer- which is NOT good. In all his years he said he's only seen 3 cases like that. So we are dealing with a much bigger and far different cancer than the 'early' detected stuff. She went on to say they would be starting Chemotherapy VERY soon due to the severity of the cancer. Also, she will be going in for a bone scan next week to see if the cancer has spread any further in her body. She had a x-ray done today as well as a blood test. Hopefully, this all reveals the extensiveness of her cancer.

The good news was that she is healing well after her mastectomy. She also said that today she felt the best she's felt since the surgery. She had her lymph node drain removed- and says it feels a whole lot better not having that thing around. There will be some permanent damage done to the nerves where they removed the lymph nodes but the good thing is that she has regained some feeling that was once numb.

I know this is terribly written tonight. Maybe I'll re-write it later but for now I need the news to be out so that others may pray more specifically for my mother. I'm tired now- and the only words that ring in my head are those of my mother tonight on the phone- "That is my prayer- that He (Christ) will be glorified through all of this."

Surgery Day....

I watched as the signs went by...first signs for Chicago then signs for Indianapolis. All the while I kept quietly to myself thinking about my mother. What was she doing right now? Is the surgery on time? How is my mother holding up? Is she ready to burst into tears as I am right now? I would pick up my book (Just get me through this! A practical guide to coping with breast cancer), given to me from a close friend (thanks Katie), flip through it and read until I had my fill of information. I finally mustered up the courage to read about the surgery- the very thing my mother was going into in just a few short hours. I read about the process- the healing and the possible complications. I closed my eyes and gave into God's hands- I prayed for her- I prayed for her the whole trip- 6+ hours. And then I prayed some more as we finally entered Kentucky and the hotel room. I held onto my phone; watching as time passed and day turned into night. I called my sisters- they hadn't heard anything either. I continued praying- it was the only thing I could do- the only thing that made sense for me to do in a time like this. Then it rang! I lunged off the bed- throwing myself to the table where my cell phone lay. I could see it was my sister Jen calling. I answered. "How is she???" There was no time for chit chat- I needed to know and thankfully my sister understood my bluntness. My sister replied, "She's in the recovery room and doing well. She has little pain- but that's probably due to the morphine drip they have her on. She will be staying the night in the hospital tonight." Finally I felt like I could breath!! She's out and doing well....

I must have some sort of nack for calling at just the right times- or maybe the 'wrong' times. I called my parents after much procrastinating on my end- or at least what felt like forever. My father answered and told me that they had just gotten home! Leave it to me to call right as they are walking in the door. My mother later told me that as the phone rang and not knowing who was on the other end my father commented, "How do they know right when to call?" Anyways- my father told me my mother was going to lay down and then he would pass the phone to her. I always knew but tonight was different- I KNEW my father loved my mother. It was all in how he described how beautiful she was as she was lying down and covering up with a gray sheet- well- it reminded me of Christ's love for us. There she was lying bruised and battered after her surgery- not feeling well emotionally or physically. And there he was- encouraging her- and just loving her. What a great feeling came over me- knowing that even though I can't be there- my father was there to care for her and show her Christ's love.

She sounded tried and drained. I expected no less from someone who had just endured such trauma less than 24 hours ago. She described her surgery- how she was asked all sorts of questions over and over by surgeons, doctors, and nurses. And finally, she just fell asleep...it seemed, to her, that the surgery only lasted a half hour but finally she woke up. She described feeling groggy and unable to talk although she tried. Finally she uttered to the nurse, "My throat hurts." The nurse went on to tell her that she had a tube down her throat during the surgery. "I'm just happy to be home," my mother said. She told me about the drain under her armpit from having the lymph nodes taken out. "It's sore." Then she told me about the shock. She knew she was going to have her whole left breast removed but it's a whole different thing to experience and see that it's gone. "I got choked up and and lost it," she said describing how it was when she finally put on her shirt to get ready to leave the hospital. You have to understand it just doesn't fit like it used to anymore. I sat there on the phone trying to grasp what that must be like to go through- and I still can't even begin to imagine it. Her nerves are numb down her arm- this is relatively normal considering they took lymph nodes out but it's still something to keep in prayer. She's hoping that most if not all feeling comes back to that arm. On Thursday they want to remove the drain from the lymph nodes. And then Friday is the BIG day. Big as in- the day for the report- the pathology report should come in and be complete by Friday. It should give us more information regarding the cancer- the type- how long chemo will be- and what type of chemo. My father had sent an e-mail just before I left for my trip. He said that the dr. said on a scale from 3-9 for aggressiveness, my mother's cancer was a '9'. It is an intrusive carcinoma which means it loves to spread to other surrounding tissue. So after the pathology report comes back we will know even more about this monster.

Prayer Request-

- Pray for my father as he steps into a new role now and as he deals with the idea of his wife having cancer

- Pray for the numbness to subside and for feeling to resume in the left arm

- Pray for a quick recovery

- Pray that my parents keep God's peace

- Pray that lymphedema doesn't occur- that is a chronic swelling of the hand and/or arm caused by blockage in the lymph system to the arm.

Praises-

- My mother found a local place in Salmon Arm that can administer the chemotherapy! That means less time spent in the car!

- That she is at home and recovering!

- That we have such a strong support team in all of you who keep her and us in your prayers!

My mother has survived her mastectomy; the war against cancer has just begun....

Psalm 29:11

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

Haircut...

Yes- on Tuesday afternoon I looked in the mirror and said, "Today's the day!" I marched on down to the salon and a kind woman greeted me. I told her I wanted to get my hair cut for Locks of Love. She pointed to the waiting area and told me it would be about 5 minutes. As I watched the clock tick by I couldn't help but become nervous. I LOVE my hair- I really do. It sounds stupid to say but I really like my long hair. Could I run out of here without looking ridiculous- I thought. But no- they already had my name and phone number and I glanced down at my purse. There staring back at me was my pink ribbon cancer pin. (from Pampered Chef- thanks Dawn!) And then I realized how superficial I was being. Knowing that my mother would probably soon be losing her hair due to chemo and here I am worrying about it being short! Finally 10 minutes had passed and I finally was called to the chair for my hair cut. My stylist wasn't too friendly nor did she want to talk much. Well, for me, I love to talk and I talk a lot when I'm nervous! So I decided I would just sit there and pray- pray for my mother and for whoever might get my hair- that it would be a blessing to them. Then she said, "Why are doing this? You have such lovely hair?" First of all, I wanted to tell her that I was already considering bolting out of this place at one point and second- well she shouldn't try to discourage people from doing something they are set on doing. But I settled on telling her about my mother and that I was doing it in honor of her. She shrugged it off and said nothing and continued making the ponytails that would later be cut off. Then she said it, "Are you ready?" And she made the first cut. At that point I was bound and ready to make this woman have a laugh or at least a smile. After she finished cutting the first of four ponytails I turned around and said- "Oh no, I think I've changed my mind!" She looked shocked and scarred. "But I've already cut one" - she replied. I looked at her and told her I was just joking. Relief came to what once was her startled face. I don't know that she found it very funny but I did and so did the stylist who was cutting a man's hair next to me. She finished the cut and I headed home- lighter and minus 11 inches of my hair. I talked with my kids on the phone that night- they are visiting grandpa and grandma an Alabama- and I thought should I tell them. But no- I think I will keep it a surprise for them when they come home! :)

I called my mother that night- she was hoping to meet with the surgeon that day. But no one answered the phone and I left a message for her to call me when she got in. At 11:15 p.m. my mother called me back- I was up and painting my daughters room so I didn't mind the late call. She told me how the surgeon was in surgery all day and that she spoke to him over the phone but that the meeting had been pushed to Thursday morning at 9 a.m. Then I heard her say something about my dad checking the e-mail. I had sent her an e-mail with the picture of my hair before- during the cut- and after- with the words- this is for you mom- written on the bottom. My dad called her over while I was on the phone to show her the picture and e-mail. She sounded surprised and happy. Then she proceeded to tell me that she also got her hair cut today! We laughed about the fact that neither of us told the other about getting our hair cut but that we both did it on the same day. Mine was in honor of my mother and to help other's with my hair. My mother's was of course in planning for surgery and then the chemotherapy that would soon be following behind.

As I sit here this morning typing this- my mother is on her way to go meet with her surgeon. Tomorrow is the day that has been set for the single mastectomy to be done. Due to the location of the cancer and the size it appears that for now they are planning to do a single mastectomy of the left breast. They also are going to be removing some lymph nodes- since she tested positive with cancer cells in the lymph node. She feels comfortable being in the hands of this surgeon but more importantly knowing she's in God's hands.

As always- I can't thank you all enough- the words of encouragement- prayer for my mother and our family. We truly- truly- appreciate it during this time! Please continue to keep her in your prayers as tomorrow she faces surgery. Please pray for fast healing for my mother and for wisdom for the surgeon as well. May God be praised throughout this journey and may our hope rest solely in Him...

Psalm 52: 8-9

"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good."

The Results are in...

First of all- I would like to express my gratitude to all of you who have been praying for my mother and our family. It is such a blessing to know that we have such a large support group during this time.

I called my mother yesterday morning- anxious to hear any news. But as I suspected- they didn't have any news for me. Oh this being patient thing is REALLY hard sometimes. But what a blessing to find an e-mail from my mother in my inbox this morning with the subject line reading, "update on mom." So bypassing all other forwards and e-mails I opened her e-mail. I don't know what I expected to read- if it was going to be good or bad news- but I was prepared for some of what I read. Not so much for other parts....

Now to the results....

My mother said they went to see her regular dr. regarding the biopsy results. It appears there are cancer cells in both of the biopsies from the breast and also a trace in the lymph node that was also biopsied. As far as surgery goes- it appears the date is still set for July 31st. Although we won't know to what extent the surgery will be until after she has her consultation with the surgeon next week. They don't know what stage the cancer is yet- apparently that is something they will find out after the surgery is done and they get the pathology reports back. But her dr. did say that he thought that they may have caught it early.

I suppose I was ready for that news...I had at least prepared myself for that part. But here's what I wasn't prepared for or ready to accept yet: most likely she will be undergoing chemo and radiation. Now I know that with cancer those words are somewhat 'expected'. But ever since I heard about the cancer I have been hearing from others around me that a lot of times you can just do a mastectomy without needing chemo or radiation. I suppose I was banking on that to happen for her. But again, I'm not in control. It's a helpless feeling- I can't be with her to watch her go through this and I can't be there to sit with her when after the chemo she feels ill. I want so badly to be there for her and I can't. And I have to give that over to God- I know He will provide people to surround her during this time and be with her; just as I want to be. When I give over to worry and concern- which happens many times- I know that I'm not trusting wholly in God. It is then that I need to give back the concern and worry to God in prayer.

Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Biopsy Day....

First off before I begin today's update I wanted to say a huge thank you to all of those that have been reading this blog and praying for my mother. Many of you have sent me e-mails and kind words of encouragement. I feel so very blessed to be part of the family of God. You all truly are my brothers and sister's in Christ!

So today is Thursday, July 16, 2009. I awoke this morning thinking, yet again, it's biopsy day. Some excitement filled my heart- or maybe it was more hope- but whatever it was, I was just happy that the day finally made it here! Let me clarify that before you think that I enjoy the idea of a biopsy. See I don't like needles and so the thought of a biopsy is very frightening to me. So, of course, I become a bundle of nerves as I think about the procedure that my mother would be going through. I was just so happy that this was getting done and that 'soon' we would have some answers to all the questions that have been building in our heads since we heard the phrase uttered, "I have breast cancer."

And once again- I had a barrier between getting my information from my mother on how the day went for her. It was softball yet again! Anxious to hear the news I kept checking my cell phone for the time- wondering when it was that time started to move so slowly. So there I was staring at my cell phone in between batters and being the first base coach- which I'll admit probably looked ridiculous. So once the game was done I raced home and with one foot in the door I lunged to the phone. No new messages. Again I was left to call...but by now- my parents have come to the realization that I will always be calling on days like these.

Biopsy-

Everything went well and according as planned. My mother said they took a biopsy from three different spots. Two in her breast and one in a lymph node that appeared larger than the others. She said she was awake for the procedure and felt little to no pain; which is a huge blessing! They said the results come back in about 3 days. Now when I'm told three days I like to have clarification on that. Do they count today as a day? Do they work on the weekends? Well, soon enough, I shall have my answers. My mother, who is much more patient than myself, seemed calm and confident in the doctors but more importantly- confident in God. As I pressed her for more information she gently said, "We'll know something by sometime next week." Oh, that answer doesn't sit well with me- those of you who know me well know that I'm a VERY schedule oriented person. Personally, I think I just want to know what day I can call my parents to get the update. But alas- patience is something I'm working on. Or maybe I should say- something that God is working on with me! :)

So that's where today's update end's. It ends with my parents making a 'lunch date' out of what started as 'biopsy day'. And me- it ends with me sitting and waiting like the rest while learning the hard way- to be patient.

Romans 12:12

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

MRI...

I've created this blog as a way to share with others about my mother and what she is currently undergoing. As many of you who will or have read this know- my mother- has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Rather than fill up your inboxes with countless updates I thought it would be more appropriate to create a blog on behalf of her. This way I don't feel as if I'm imposing upon people and their inboxes. :)

My mother called me on an ordinary Thursday saying, "I have breast cancer." What do you say to such a statement. My mind tried to wrap itself around those words and what that meant. Yet I found myself in a mix of emotions; crying, anger at the cancer and somehow I arrived at peace. If even it only lasted a moment- that peace was real. As hours passed it turned to days. I waited for a call- any call- just letting me know anything at this point.

Monday came- it was 'biopsy day'. I prayed all day- thought all day about my mother. How was she doing? What was going on right now for her? Was she scarred, sad, or calm? See growing up my mother was 'Supermom' to me. She could endure most anything and still remain calm. As I grew up I found where that calm spirit came from- it came from the peace she had knowing Christ as her Savior. Still- I couldn't help but wonder that day how she was doing. Thoughts endlessly ran through my head. I couldn't wait to get home from a softball game- although a nice distraction- it only served as a barrier to my information. As soon as I walked into the front door I grabbed the phone. 'No new messages.' Well, I would be assertive and go ahead and call. So picking up the phone I called my parents. It rang- and a happy man answered the phone. It was my father. We went through the usual- how are you? And then I just had to ask- how did the biopsy go? He began to explain about Canada's health care system. Apparently- one must jump through many hoops to get somewhere. So in short- they had her scheduled for a MRI not the biopsy which she was previously told. With that said she followed them to get her MRI done. My dad put it best- "Why not save yours and everybody's time and money and get all the tests done at the same time." Maybe somebody in the Canadian health care system could look into this.

Nevertheless- Monday has passed and the latest update is that she has been scheduled for an ultrasound guided biopsy for Thursday- July 16th.

No matter the issues with the Canadian health care system- I am grateful to them. I thought back awhile ago- my parents were waiting to hear back from the Canadian government on whether they would be approved as 'landed' or not. They went through many paperwork nightmares along with a VERY long wait time. Finally they were approved and given their much desired 'landed' status. And now I think- I think about how God truly is control of everything. If they were still waiting on their landed status right now the chances they would approve my parents would be slim due to my mother's health issues now. And yet it wasn't so long ago that they were approved. God guided all things to fall into place for his glory.

So I rejoice! I rejoice in God's faithfulness and love! It may seem odd to some and to others- not so much so- but me- I can rest on Him. Sure, emotions will still rise up and tears will come- but I rest in Him. No matter the outcome of things to come- He knows it all and He will be with us all- every step of the way! It may not be the way I would have chosen life to go- but then again- my thoughts are not God's thoughts- He has a much better plan!

Isaiah 55:8-11

" For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. For as the rain and snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."