Clinical Trial and Chemo....

I realize that I have not been on top of my blog lately- for that I feel embarrassed. I, like many others, let the realm of holiday's send me into a crazy two months or so. I love Christmas- it is by far my favorite holiday- it brings back many memories of my mother's cooking. What really sticks in my brain about my Christmas' growing up is the family getting together and truly being together. We would often take different dishes to help out in the kitchen with the cooking and after all the food had been consumed we joined together once again in the kitchen to clean all the dishes; after all- we didn't have a dishwasher. Or as my mother would say, "I have four dishwashers!" as she kindly pointed towards me and my siblings.

Well, since my last post there is new news to share about my mother and her road with the chemotherapy. She now receives chemo every Monday- it is a different cocktail now- Herceptin- then some other drugs- and finally the Paxlitaxol is given. It seems that is takes longer for her to get her treatment after the keep her for observation for awhile it ends up being a good part of her day at the Salmon Arm Hospital. She is also under going a clinical trial drug which she seems to be reacting to well. The biggest complaint I've heard since starting the new cocktail of chemo is that she's been VERY tired lately- it seems to take a toll on her body which no one could deny- after all it is literally putting poison in your body. Every 4th treatment she goes to Kelowna to have her chemo. administered there. I'm under the impression that she has been having scans done and other medical tests done there when she goes to Kelowna. It is mainly to see how her body is reacting to the clinical trial- which she can quit at any time for any reason if she decides to. But as for now she's doing as well as we could hope. I believe she is over half way done with this regimen of chemo. and once finished she will start radiation treatment and will continue to be on the Herceptin for about 6 more months or so.

All in all- I couldn't be more proud my mother- they way she has so gracefully moved through the chemo as if it hasn't disturbed her pattern of life at all. She is a strong woman! I miss her dearly as she goes through this battle so far away but I rest in God knowing that He has control over this cancer and that He knows what's best for her. What a blessing knowing that I don't have any control but that God has it ALL!

I read this passage this morning as part of my devotion and just fell in love with it:

Psalm 139:1-6 (The Message)

"God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight. You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too- your reassuring presence, coming and going. This is too much, too wonderful- I can't take it all in!"

Thank You just isn't enough....

Have you ever experienced that feeling when you've been given a gift too great that words hardly do it justice? You try to think of ways to express your gratitude yet nothing seems to come close to how blessed you feel inside. Well, if you haven't had that feeling yet- I hope that one day you do- it's a good feeling to have. Tonight I was able to experience it for myself as my church family gathered together for a Silent Auction to benefit my mother. I walked around the room admiring all the items people had donated toward this cause. People from both the Kenosha and Racine church's came together and donated their gifts- everything from homemade blankets, gift baskets, pie, pictures, and even plant holders! I tried to stand back and watch as people laughed and mingled as they raised money for such a worthy cause. A group of 5 or 6 elderly men had made a circle of chairs in front of me and I watched as they sat chatting about their wives and other things of the day. It made my heart smile knowing such love and out pouring came from such a thing. I will never be able to say thank you enough to those people that planned this event- as well as those who came and were part of the bidding for the evening. It was a truly a blessed evening.....raising over $1,000!

On Monday my mother approaches new territory in the cancer fight. She will be starting a new regimen of chemo. drugs as well as embarking on a clinical trial. She will be testing a new drug which will be administered along with her Chemo. If, however, she finds that the side effects to this new drug in the clinical trial are too much for her to handle she may leave the trial at anytime. This new Chemo. and trial drug will be administered in Kelowna which is about 2 hours away from their home which makes for a VERY long day of travel. My mother said she may be staying there in Kelowna when the snow comes so she won't have to travel so much. After Monday I'm sure we'll be given more news as to how the treatment went and how her body is reacting to the influx of all the new medication. But through it all I know my mother- she will put on a brave face and smile through it all!

Tonight was a true blessing- being surrounded by people who have such care and concern for others that they set aside there busy lives to come. The only thing I wish that was different about tonight was that I wish my mother could have been there. If nothing else- to see the love- yet I know she feels the love by the many cards and calls she has received and continues to receive.

I miss her dearly since I've returned home from visiting her. I miss having afternoon tea with her and sitting by the wood burning stove as it snowed outside leaving a fresh white coat on the mountains. She seems so far away sometimes- so far out of my reach...I want so badly to reach out and give her a hug and to nurse her back to health after her chemo leaves her tired and sleeping on the couch. I miss her very much especially on nights like tonight.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 118:1

Three Women....

I sat and watched the three women as they talked and joked about the possibility of having a crew cut by Christmas. You would think they were just ordinary women chatting away yet their topic of discussion was about the cancer they each were facing. Inside the door labeled "Chemo Treatment" sat three chairs and three bubbly women; one of them my mother. Each woman had a story and when one woman was finished with her treatment another woman seemed to come in as if on que to fill the empty seat. I watched as one woman excitedly plopped into the seat next to my mother exclaiming, "This is my last treatment ladies!" The women talked and left almost no room for silence in the room as the chemo was being delivered. I watched as my mother was receiving her own 'cocktail' of drugs as she leafed through a magazine. It seemed surreal to me- that I was actually there to see my mother receive this poison that was going to make her better. I couldn't help but take pictures to document EVERYTHING. I felt so honored to be a part of these woman's group and yet I was such an outsider. I listened as they talked about mouth sores, brittle nails, and the hope of their hair coming back. It was then I realized that I was not part of their group, even though they welcomed me in. I didn't have cancer and I don't know what it's like- I was an outsider.

Although I didn't belong- I chimed in when I could relate to anything that they spoke of. After some time my mother had finished her first I.V. drip of a clear drug Cyclophosphamide. This was given through her port-a-cath along with some saline solution. Then the nurse opened a box labeled with an orange tag: Chemotherapy inside was a bag that had a bright yellow label on it reading Chemotherapy Drug. Inside this bad was the rest of my mother's treatment- two large syringes filled with what looked like fruit punch. Upon closer examination the syringe read- Doxorubicin. This red liquid was attached to my mother's I.V. line and I watched as the nurse administered this second drug. The clear liquid quickly changed to red and suddenly disappeared as it entered her body. I glanced at my mother's face and waited for her face to change but she remained calm and unchanged through it all.

After the chemo. my mother asked if I wanted to go out around town- I thought to myself, "Does anything slow this woman down?!" It was cold and rainy/snowy so I thought it better to get her home and stay warm and dry inside the house. I made her some lunch and we ate and she rested on the couch. Not too long ago I saw her face grimace and I asked her if she was feeling okay. "Oh, just a little nauseas." And on she went about her day.

I feel so very blessed to be here with my parents. To be able to experience chemo. with my mother- to just be near her and give her hugs- countless hugs.

I am so very proud of my mother.

Making memories....

'Surprise!' my father and Charity (my sister in law) said as I walked down the hallway and made myself visible to my mother who sat in the living room. She looked bewildered and confused yet excited all at the same time. She didn't know that I was coming to visit her after all. It was planned out between my father, brother and sister in law. After a 12+ hour day of travel I was happy to find myself 'home' with my parents. My mother jumped off the couch and handed my niece Katie over to my father so she could give me a hug. Throughout the night my mother often said, "I can't believe you are here! And for two weeks!"

Since then I think the surprise has worn off and my parents have grown more accustomed to my presence in the house. It's been a joy to be able to help around the house- making food, cleaning etc. It's quiet here too....which is something I'm not used to having- especially with two little kids running around. Speaking of kids, it's been a challenge to be so far away from them during this time. They sound so little and far away on the phone yet I'm grateful to be able to speak to them every night.

As for my mother....

She is exactly how I remember her- just without hair and with a wrap on her head to keep her warm. She is active as usual and just got in from raking the fall leaves that had fallen along with the rain we had gotten last night and this morning. She does, however, need her rest in the afternoon- busy mornings lead to restful and quiet afternoons that usually end up in a nap. :) There's nothing about her that is different except for that label which is now a part of her- cancer. Don't get me wrong- cancer does not define my mother- it is only a mere part of her life- something she must live with.

I went outside this afternoon while my mother rested and my father studied. I walked all across their vast expanse of land while the clouds threatened to burst down with rain at any moment. I found nothing but silence outside as I followed paths in and out of the forest. And finally I made it to a clearing....there before me stood a large field that beckoned me to come and investigate. I walk in the field, camera in hand, and found a mountain in the distance covered in clouds and hardly visible. I thought to myself- this is very much like this cancer that has descended upon my family- there are times when the days a gray and cold. And yet- I know that not all days are like this....some are full of sunshine and warmth. If you keep looking at the mountain from a distance you will likely see a subtle outline and dark clouds but if you venture closer those clouds that seemed at once so dark will be barely visible- leaving you with a beautiful view of the mountain.

May our eyes be fixed on the author and perfecter of our faith- Jesus Christ our Lord.

This is cancer....

I always thought that I would be the reason my mother would lose her hair. From my rebellious teenage years and my tendencies to be overdramatic; I thought I would be the cause for such a thing. But no- it wasn't me. It has finally started to happen. They said it would around this time- week 3 or so after the first chemo treatment. Still I think one is never really ready to understand how to prepare for losing their hair. Her hair was coming out and she was starting to see bald spots so rather than watch it fall out and go down the drain in the shower every morning she decided to shave it.











With her wrap on

She sent the pictures yesterday. I had NO idea that she had shaved her head. I knew it was going to happen but still I took a deep breath as I scrolled down to view the pictures. First was picture of her with her head wrap- how cute she looks!!! ;) That was followed by two pictures of her with her hair- and some spots that were balding or thinning. And the next pictures were of her trying on her wig- it's amazing how similar it is to her real hair!!! It shocked me. And last of all were the two pictures of her bald. I'm happy she sent them- really I am- I think it helps me deal with the reality of the situation- especially since I'm so far away and can't see her in person. I must admit that I teared up a bit when I saw those pictures- now she looks like someone with cancer. Before she could go about her day or at least I could go about my day knowing she had it but there's just something about seeing her without her hair that took a bit to accept. I know it will grow back- and in fact- they say that hair after chemo is usually better than when you started! My mother said she felt okay with losing her hair- "I knew it was going to happen and I'm okay with that," She stated on Skype last night.








With her wig

Hair or no hair- I love my mother the same- she looks beautiful regardless! After all it's not about outside beauty- my mother is the most beautiful person I know- both on the outside but especially on the inside.....





No hair




On Wednesday of this week she goes to get her blood drawn to see if her levels are back up and good enough to administer another round of chemo on Thursday. My mother said she's feeling really well. My sister and her family had a great time visiting with her and cooking for her. What a blessing that my sister was able to visit- I know that it was a blessing not only to my mother but to my sister as well!

I've been doing a devotional at night with my kids before bed. I shouldn't be but some how I am continually amazed with the verses that I find at the end. They seem to speak to me and where I am....that is where this verse came from.


Psalm 20:7

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."


* Permission was granted for the use of the pictures...

First Chemo Treatment

"What do you think of my hair?" my mother asked to my father. "It looks like it always does." he replied not knowing why my mother was asking. "Good, this is the one then." she said as she removed the wig. Yes- my mother has a wig now- must be a pretty good one if my father couldn't tell she was wearing one. ;) She got the wig in advance- knowing that the chemo will cause her to lose he hair. And then the first day of chemo came....

What a sense of relief I felt when I heard my mother tell me she had finished her first chemo treatment. I feel more at ease now that she's being treated- what and ordeal it is to go through test after test.

The first injection was of some red colored medicine. After that was finished she was put on an I.V. drip of the other medicine. All the while one nurse tended to the three women in the room- administering the chemo. The women all chatted- if nothing else they all had one thing in common- the all had cancer. They were offered juice and cookies during this time. My mother, as usual, made a day out of what others may view as a nightmare. She went lunch afterwards and then went home. She was tired after the day- and when she returned home she found herself needing some much needed rest which prompted a nap. She had taken her anti-nausea medicine in advance of the chemo to help ward off those side affects. I had checked my father's blog and read that my mother is not sleeping well at night- getting up many times in the middle of the night. Other side effects seem to be minimal in the grand scheme of things- diminished appetite and feeling flushed at times. All in all- we have passed the first chemo treatment....

On this Friday- the port-a-cath is going to be inserted. This should make for an easier time in getting the chemo done in the future.

The Calendar-

- this Friday Sept. 4th the port-a-cath will be inserted

- this Thursday Sept. 3rd my sister Jennifer and her family are visiting for a week

- Sept. 16th my mother goes to get her blood count checked- if all is good

- Sept. 17th is the next chemo treatment

Things to keep in prayer about-

- pray for my mother as she goes through the chemo and the side effects

- pray for my father as he tends to my mother in her time of need

- pray for my sister and her family as they travel from NE to visit my parents

- pray for the port-a-cath to be inserted quickly and without complication

- pray for the forest fire that continues to rage on and grow.

- pray for those whose homes are threatened

- pray for those that are fighting the fire- for their safety

Sorry for being so short today....I find myself choosing to write this in the midst of watching 5 kids- makes for many breaks while typing.

Proverbs 15:30

"A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones."

When it rains- it pours.....

As a child I was terrified of storms. The amount of power and strength they hold were something that gave me great fear. But as I got older I found that not all rain turns into a storm. I remember being 16 sitting outside at night watching as lightening and thunder approached our house. I sat there outside on the pavement in the dark with my dad and brother. My mother called from the window telling us to get inside. And yet I was in great awe of this monster as it approached. We stayed outside- even while the rain fell. What a great source of relief a good rain is. Even to this day I enjoy going outside while the rain falls all around me; I found it to be a time of peace for me. Most people are quickly scurrying inside to avoid the rain, which seems like common sense, but for those people who want to truly enjoy a moment of peace- there's nothing like standing outside as the rain pours.

This thought occurred to me today after I spoke with my mother on the phone. It amazes me how people grow and change- and sometimes during that change- you feel like it's pouring rain!!!

She called me sounding so very calm and happy. I couldn't be happier that my mother was sounding so well. I also wondered what this call meant. In the past- calls were made to update on the cancer and about any news we were getting. But on a Sunday??? Well- it just seemed odd to me. She said, "I know I told you in the e-mail about the fire burning by our house and the evacuation notice we are on but I didn't tell you about something else that happened this morning. We went to the E.R." (Just a note- please keep my parents in prayer- as they now have a wildfire burning in their area- about a mile away- if the wind shifts it could make it up the mountain to there home that they just bought) I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. "But it wasn't me who was in the E.R.- it was dad" she went on to say. I joked as only our family knows how to do in such a time saying, "Does dad need attention? Is that why he went??" But no- it wasn't for the need of attention- as I know my father to be the sort of man who's LAST resort is going to the E.R. I saw the man stitch his own finger up as a child- so this must be pretty serious to go to the E.R. My mother informed me that she woke up to my father making strange groaning noises. He had labored breathing and said his heart was beating extremely fast. My mother questioned him on whether to call 911 or rush him to the E.R.- which is 30 mins. away! My father chose the E.R. and my mother said she made it in record time- I'm not sure how much time she shaved off but she got him there in under 30 minutes.

He was brought into the E.R. and immediately taken into a room to be evaluated. After many tests and some medicine given through an I.V. they ruled out a heart attack. This is the point where I was finally able to breathe a big sigh of relief. They said they didn't know what caused his heart to beat at 190 beats per minute and his blood pressure to drop so low...but that the medicine worked to bring everything back to normal and stabilize him. They sent them off with some medicine in case it happened again and he returned home tired and ready for a nap.

So when I thought on it- I thought- really???? I mean- Breast cancer was enough for me- but now a fire threatening their newly purchased home- and my father's, out of the blue, heart issue?! I was floored- I haven't had so much as a cold to complain about and here my parents are miles away and having to deal with new issues. These are things I wish to be a part of- I want to be there to watch my mother go through chemo- to help her when she feels ill, to clean up vomit if I have to and to just be there and watch over her. I want to be there to take my father to the E.R.- to sit by his side and hold his hand. I want so badly to be near them- not to just visit but to be there- I long to be there- I feel so removed and useless here- trapped.

When it rains- it pours- but out of that pouring rain come growth- the grass, flowers and trees grow. We NEED the rain....even the rain in our lives. It may be painful and not the route we would have choosen for our lives to go but it has a purpose. It causes us to grow- we can choose how we want to grow- grow angry- grow distant etc.... Or we can choose to grow in Christ- to let Him hold us up when we are weary, to dive into His Word and cling to all the promises He has written, and to cast all our worries on Him because He cares for us.

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."